My Story

I will warn you now, this might be a longer blog than usual, but it's about a very important topic. It may be hard for some people to read because of memories or denial about what's going on in this nation. All over the world, really. But this is where the silence ends for me and hopefully for you too...

Yes and No are the opposite of one another. In fact, it is impossible to get them confused. So when it come's to being raped, how is it that anyone is "asking for it" or is just "playing hard to get"? And why is it that society seems to focus more on the victims "faults" instead of the very obvious cause of the crime, which is the rapist? Why is it suddenly funny to make rape jokes? Can anyone tell me what is so funny about someone scaring another person for life?

I was only a child when it happened to me. My uncle had to watch my brothers and I sometimes while my mom worked because our biological father couldn't manage jail and a job at the same time. I was 4 and 5. Or at least, that's as far back as I can remember. Honestly, I didn't really have the chance to say no. Being so young and naive, I thought what was happening to me was normal. I didn't have a clue that I was being molested and raped. I remember not liking it and that it hurt. I remember saying no and him trying to bribe me with fruit snacks to do sexual things to him. He would let me watch porn with him too.

It wasn't until I was 9, in 4th grade, that I realized what had happened to me. We had to watch a video about what to do if a sexual predator approached us and stranger danger. Although my life was pretty broken at that point anyways, I remember watching that video and the floor shattering from beneath me. How could I not have known? I started having waves of depression and anxiety. I didn't trust people the way I used to. It was like my childhood ended that day. Everything was suddenly more real than I could bare. I was scared of people touching me and I was scared to tell anyone what had happened to me. Who would believe me now? When I was five my mother got married to my step dad and we moved towns and it never happened again. I had no proof and I had no hope. The hardest part was seeing him at the family events and knowing what happened. As a child I didn't think anyone would believe me over an adult. I felt gross all the time. Like somehow I was worth less because of what happened to me. How could I have let that happen? I would ask myself.

As I got older I became more inverted, especially when it came to attention from guys. If a guy would holler at  me or whistle I would cuss them out in a heart beat. If someone would touch me, even if on accident, my heart would skip a beat in fear. In 7th grade I started carrying a knife around with me whenever I left my house. I told myself I would never let it happen again without a fight. I started hurting myself. Carving things into my skin just enough to leave a scar. I would slap myself repeatedly if I every started crying over it until my face would swell slightly. I became numb, removing emotion from me entirely. Physical pain was so much easier to deal with than emotional. I wanted nothing more than to hide myself from the world and be reduced to dust because that's what I felt like. I began looking for love in all the wrong places. I didn't love myself so I guess I needed someone else to love me instead. If it weren't for my religious views, which I broke many times, I probably would have ended up pregnant long before I had my son. But although I was looking for love, I denied myself of love. My husband asked me to marry him countless times before I said yes because I was scared to let him in. It's a lot easier to be betrayed by someone if you don't truly love them.

It wasn't until I was 16 that I told my mom what happened and who it was. I hadn't wanted to tell her because it was her brother and I didn't want to ruin my family. He denied it, of course, and moved out of state for a while. I'm still not sure who all believes me and who all doesn't. My uncle is quite the manipulative individual. Even after I let my family know I felt guilty for the additional strain on my family. Especially his kids and even for my uncle himself. Looking back on my life, I can't think of a single part of it that wasn't affected by what he did to me. But that was when I finally started healing instead of avoiding what had happened.

To those that have been a victim of sexual abuse, please, speak up. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in the U.S. will suffer from this at some point in their life and 80% of rapist go unreported. Speaking out is the only way to change this. Find help if you need it. Even I saw a counselor for a while and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Forgiving my uncle was easy for me. Forgiving myself was hard because I didn't realize I had nothing to forgive myself for until recently. And I hope you never fill your mind with revenge. It's ok to want justice, but revenge and justice are not the same. I hope instead of wishing them pain you wish them change. I wish my uncle change so he can become better than he was. He will have to live with what he's done until he dies and then some. Don't just sit buy while your friends make rape jokes. If you're one of those people, stop now. You will never know how many painful memories you can bring back with these "jokes". I promise there's nothing funny about sexual abuse in any degree.

So this is my story. I hope you can find the strength to tell yours too. You're already strong because you're already a survivor.

Living In a Cardboard Box

Stuck up. Goody goody. Uppedy. Lame. Loser. Weird. Crazy. Old. B****... etc. These are all things that I've been called over the past few years. Want to guess why? Because I refuse to drink, smoke (anything), drink coffee, or do pills or other drugs. I also try my darnedest not to swear. My first day working at Pizza Hut (about two months ago. Before, I was a stay at home mom) I had to basically job shadow. So I would drive along with my trainer on deliveries and help with prep around the kitchen when we didn't have a delivery. Well on that first delivery of the day he asked if I smoked (he does) and I, of course, said no as he lit up. Then, while in the kitchen the topic of drinking had gotten brought up somehow and I told him I didn't drink. Then, on another delivery he stopped at Big B's for some coffee and asked if I wanted anything and I told him no thanks, I don't drink coffee. And at that point he looked at me and said "What DO you do?". I then took a second and thought about it and replied, "I live."

While reflecting on my trainers reaction to my life decisions later that night I realized something. There were a lot of times in my life that people didn't understand or even approve of those decisions. And like my trainer, a lot of them wondered what I actually did do since I didn't do those activities. Now this may sound a bit harsh, but I came to the conclusion that they must just be mentally living in a cardboard box. As if life weren't complete if I were not intoxicating my body and/or mind in some way or another. People have actually gotten mad at me over this. People would say "What? You're to good to drink with me?" or "Why can't I drink in your house?" (as if the fact that I have a baby here wasn't enough). 

Some of you out there are probably thinking "She's only saying this because she's never tried it.". Well that's were you're wrong. I have drank (5 times), smoked a cigarette, and smoked weed (once on those last two). It really wasn't worth doing at all. I was also going through a very bad depression when all that occurred. I had decided with my last drink that I would rather be myself 100% of the time than keep that lifestyle up. Besides, it was completely contradictory to my religious beliefs. Although I wasn't an active member of my church at the time, I still felt it was wrong to do. But religious beliefs aside, I had never thought that lifestyle was worth living anyway. 

Trust me. No one ever goes into anything thinking they're going to become addicted and it often takes a while for them to realize that they are when it does happen. You can have the most self control in the world, but it only takes one bad day to make drug and alcohol habits a vicious cycle. If you never pick it up once, you can't pick it up twice. There's a lot of pressure out there. There's going to be a lot of people that will judge you for choosing not to drink or smoke or do drugs. If you haven't started, stay strong and know there's at least one person out there that's very proud of you. If you have started up, just quit now before it has a chance to become an addiction. And if you are addicted there is absolutely no shame in getting help. Addictions impair our ability to make decisions and alter our will power and priorities. I've seen this movie play out a thousand times. I've seen it destroy families and drive people to do unspeakable things. There's never a happy ending. So do what you have to to change the script, because it's never too late. And for all of you people that think there's something wrong with me because I choose to be sober, or I'm a hypocrite for even saying anything at all because of my past, step out of your cardboard box and learn what living really is.

What I Stand For

Hello to all my readers and thank you for giving me a chance. As my first post I really wanted to let you guys know exactly what it is I plan to do with my blog. This is meant to inspire people into living better, healthier lives and helping others do the same. I am a very honest person, some even might say a bit too honest so be prepared for that. I'm also a horrible speller, eel free to correct me in the comments section. I want to be completely transparent with you guys. So here goes nothing...

First, a little about me. I'm only 21, but I have been through a lot in my 21 years of life. I'd like to believe that all my past struggles were meant to help me help others in similar situations. I'm married and I have a 2 year old son that I love more than anything and a husband that is there for me through thick and thin. I've got two older brothers that are not exactly walking the strait and narrow and two younger that I hope to be able to inspire to lead better lives. I'm not perfect. I'm sure we all can admit to that. But I want to get as close as I can to it and help others do the same. This is in no way a religious blog, but being a religious person myself, I'm bound to say some religious things sometimes. Please don't take offense, it's just what I believe in and it's totally ok if your disagree. 

Like I said, I originally decided to start this blog to inspire people. I feel that society has declined in a lot of important ways. In fact, I used to get really depressed over it. I'd wake up and see the way people treated each other and even themselves. Treating their bodies like trash cans and toys for other people's use. seeing the rise in popularity of videoing people fighting instead of trying to promote problem solving and self control. Judging people by the shoes they wear and the size of their homes. Watching the outcome of yet another shooting on the news and realizing the government has an agenda to help themselves rather than the people. Being a mother, it's a heavy burden to think that my son will have to grow up in this kind of environment. So much to the point that I've considered homeschooling him.
 The original title of my blog site was going to be "Be Above Society". But then I thought about it, and although we really do need to shake a lot of "modern society" out of our systems, what would be even better is to reshape society instead. How can we really improve our own lives without also improving others'? So I'm going to talk (with a chance of ranting) about small and big changes we can all make to better our own lives, and hopefully someone else's in the process. I don't care about my blog stats or popularity, because as long as one person reads this and changes for the better, I'm doing a heck of a lot better than if I were doing nothing. I know I'm not perfect and neither are you, so lets try to get there together.